make or break

finali... finali i can take a break frm all e mid-terms... so tired...
tho mentali tired 2 but more physical tiredness... had been having an ave of onli 51/2hrs of slp everidae, prob not v little 2 some but it is 4 mi.. eyes r tired 2
n oso realised n upset by how slack i'd been 4 e past mths... been doing nth, v scared tt i cant catch up now... all zi zuo zi shou
got back moi cognitive test juz now... sigh... was glad n reali grateful tt i din fail, which i thot i wld.. but after i saw e mean score n how well moi fren did.. im reali q upset. moi fren cld get 55 out of 60 n i onli got 35 out of 60.. wat a big diff... n not lyk she's got lotsa time 2 study.. she's so bz..
i'd anticipated e upset tis morn alreadi, but i reali still feel upset.. i noe i din put in enuff hard work...
went spending $ after class... i went 2 get e text 4 tis module... e correct one.. so now i've got 2 texts 4 tis mod.. dunno if it's cos of text diff, n it doesnt matter liao... got it, well gotta work hard 4 tis mod, i wanted 2 do moi honours thesis on tis area.. if i can do honours. reali make or break liao...
bot moi sis venezia ice-cream.. she lyks.. ah laur thot i was so sweet... had planned 2 buy it b4 i got back moi papers but spending e $ reali felt q shiok. spent 60 over bucks, it's q a lot 4 mi, considering i spend less than $50 a mth.. is tis shopping therapy?? haha.....
moi sis is getting her results now, i hope she does well. i reali hope she gets 3 As, expecting 2 much? i neva told her tt, but i reali hope she does well, do betta than mi, i dun mind. she's hardworking, i believe u reap wat u sow.
no matter wat, if she does well, e ice-cream 4 her 2 celeb. if not, ice-cream is sth gd 2 eat when one's upset.. mi smart sia? hehe...
heck care now, 一号皇庭 n moi slp.. here i come~

juz got moi sis's results, AAC.. neva expected her 2 get C 4 physics. but haha.. her GP B3, tt's gd :) not bad la

21yrs + 3daes old

yep yep~
im now, 21yrs n 3daes old.. sounds n feels scary still.. so old
n upon looking back, time flies... looking at each n every grp of ppl in moi life, we seemed 2 haf onli juz gone thru tt part of moi life tog... i seem 2 haf juz gone 2 rv, joined council.. b wif moi class.. n nj, class, softball n even mr.. things seem 2 haf onli happened yest.. but it's act been yrs... how scary
had alwaes wondered how i cld live thru moi future.. wat it wld b lyk.. wat it wld b lyk being 18, 20 n even 21.. n now dey r e past alreadi.. tt's life i guess...
but i muz sae, i had a gd time at e party e other dae~ thanx 2 all e ppl who made it possible. i had a fun time receiving praises frm ppl n looking at their shocked rxn upon seeing mi :p i had a fun time being so high n crazy :) had a fun time seeing all moi frens again.. but it was a pity tt i cldnt sit down n reali tok 2 them...
act i oso felt a bit regretful 2 haf e chalet thing.. esp when in e afternoon, when laur asked mi all e qns abt them.. i din noe bing dislikes tau huay.. i din noe laur lyks orange colour.. din noe jun dislikes mandarin oranges... felt guilty 4 not noeing them as a fren... n oso guilty 4 4getting 2 tell jun so mani things abt e party n juz took her 4 granted.
wateva e case.. now tt everyth is over, i felt a sense of loss... sth seems missing.. prob cos all e excitement is over, n i haf 2 hit e books again... n i miss jun, laur n bing oso.. haha.. im looking 4ward 2 bing's party..
anw, CNY is coming.. hopefuli everyth starts anew. yep, so juz penning down all moi thots n leave them behind wif e monkey yr~

tis is a make up 4 wat wasnt published 1 wk+ ago.. after meeting mr 4 dinner... cos tis is definitely sth i wanna leave behind 2 n move on wif moi life..
act cant reali rem some things after so mani daes.. but cld rem how dere was tis kinda uneasiness when i was wif him.. not nervousness or wat... but kind of lyk pressure... haha.. kor said i was a pressure cooker.. i was v conscious of moi own actions n words tt nite. tink prob cos tt time b4 we broke up, he did sae things lyk i shld b more confident, speak up more... i din wan him 2 tink tt im not.. but in fact i din change much after e 2yrs.. juz bi jiao hui xiang.. but ya, so i felt uneasy... act tis feeling had been dere some time b4 we broke up le.. so things din q change. juz tt his actions n way of toking feels so familiar.. haha.. juz lyk elva's song, 最熟悉的陌生人
thus haf tis feeling tt no matter if cheryl is arnd or not, things wld b e same betw mi n him. u can feel it when things r diff betw a couple. maebe i cldnt fang xia still but it's no pt le.. cos things wld neva b lyk b4. so it's time 2 let go. n now tt cheryl can gif him happiness, i zhu fu them.
爱错is a nice song.. q apt oso i tink.. 从来没爱过，所以爱错.. bit lyk an excuse, but i tink i did make a mistake rite frm e start.. it was prob onli a crush, n i got so excited.. i told him.. n we both thot sth shld come out of it.. n so expected a r'ship.. but act when i was more li zhi, i knew things wld b difficult cos of religion diff n i din noe wat kinda feeling tt was.. but cos i was e one who told him i lyk him, i cldnt back out, i din wan 2 hurt him... tt was a mistake ba... when things started becoming unsure, i din noe if i lyk him n he din noe if he does.. things start 2 crumple... probably chang tong bu ru duan tong, n we cld still remain frens w/o e awkwardness.. but no one can sae 4 sure.. prob if i'd ended it den, we wld end up not being frens at all.. i did learn frm e r'ship but it did created fan nao 2 moi life, even now, when u tink abt it again.. so it's lyk start oso wrong, ended it earlier oso prob wrong..
tt's y when i toked 2 moi cousin e other time, was telling him not 2 get in2 a r'ship if he doesnt noe if he lyks e gal... cos he wld hurt her n at e same time hurt himself..
exceptions? maebe... look at lijun n yuankai.. lijun wasnt over lin xu when they started... prob cos yuankai was v sure.. things worked out
so conclusion.. n oso y i wld haf mani worried b4 i get in2 another r'ship, not lyk got a guy la.. if dere's reali a guy who pops by, i muz b sure i've let things go n can b sure i lyk him, so i wun b unfair 2 him.. he oso muz b sure he lyks mi.. a lot.. so tt if sometimes i tink of things wif mr, he wun get affected.. haha.. contradicting sia? but it's afterall moi 1st r'ship.. lots of yao qiu frm tt guy.. n lastly, tt he is e one god is giving 2 mi.. n our r'ship is blessed n cos he's e intelligent one who noes wat's best 4 mi
haha.. had neva thot of moi ze ou tiao jian b4 but after last time, i realised wat kinda guy i need.. haha.. wo shi bu shi zhang da le?

happie chinese new yr~
就让一切从新（心）开始

hahaha

went 2 church 2dae, as usual :)
when i sang e songs during praise n worship, i suddenli felt so comforted... everyth i felt yest suddenli became so small n seem not 2 matter anymore. i rem saying when other painful stuff feels moi heart, i wld 4get e matters abt mr.. but im wrong, god's grace is more than anyth.. n it's definitely more comforting than anyth. i dun hafta hurt moiself, tt's so wonderful sia
im happi 2dae n mani more daes 2 come :)

chill

hi blog,
long time no c
hai....
yep, 2dae, finali mr's added mi 2 his msn... dun tink he doesnt noe e email tt i mite use 4 msn but he din add mi.. n i was pretty happi wif tt i guess cos it's a place where i can online n dun hafta c him (tho e other 1 is juz icq).
it's juz mi... i dun lyk 2 c ppl im supposed 2 b q shou wif online n not tok 2 them... tho after a while, if we dun chat i'll get accustomed 2 it.. n when we meet up, we r still frens lyk b4, den im okie... but i still feel wierd 2 c mr online n not tok 2 him, c-ing him online actuali sends a chill down not my spine but 2 my fingers n toes.. yep, so tho i din tell any1, i'd somehow wished he wun add mi.
well now he did.. he cld possibly b on moi blocked list den.. heh
i guess dere r juz some part of mi still holding on 2 some things... not reali a kind of feeling but juz sth.. prob still bu gan yuan or wat.. i'd somehow kept him, an imagined him i'd imagined b4 oso in moi subconsciousness.. n e him wif cheryl is not him, it's another mr kinda thing.. so maebe not facing him anywhere, even on online chats, juz kept him dere.. so it'd neva affected anyth in moi life n he hadnt appeared 4 a long time, except 4 smses. maebe ba.. tis is bad
well laur said i wasnt toking in e chatroom juz now... cos i dunno wat 2 sae... still in e chill lar...
arrggghh... i oso wished things wld b over n done wif..
moi b-dae's coming... i'd intended 2 invite him, all along, n cheryl.. hopefuli they come or at least i get 2 meet e 2 of them tog... hopefuli e meeting can put an end 2 things. all e imaginations n subconscious stuff.
din reali wanted 2 sae anyth abt all tis 2 moi frens or any1.. dun wan them 2 wori abt mi... but when it happened, juz felt lyk telling some1.. so wrote here lor... guess laur wld c tis but nvm la.. i shld b fine soon.. dere r other things which can cause pain n when tt happens, tink tis wun matter tt much liao

my dad n my god

had some conflicts wif dad again... i simply cant control moi temper... even e slightest thing can cause unhappiness. tho i dun reali flare up but e tone n things i said, i noe hurts him... hai.. beginning 2 tink it's cos i tink i haf more education than he does, betta knowledge.. when he act noes a lot of things, n is experienced in mani things. i simply refuse 2 acknowledge tt.. n dun lyk 2 hear his advice. n when he asks mi things, i'll gif e i-know-it, u-dun kinda attitude.. even i cant stand moiself... but i cldnt control it. trying 2
act moi dad, is juz lyk moi god, been so 4giving n accepting... tink i've done it a lot of times, but he's tolerated wif mi 4 soooo long.. tho i tink e freq is much higher nowadaes, i wonder if he can still tolerate mi. sometimes, when i try 2 b nice, i feel hypocritical. hai...
oh yes, but he's reali been 4giving.. god too.. i rem e mani times i 'lose' moi frens, i drifted frm them n felt reali sad abt it... den i wld turn 2 god n find comfort in e fact tt he's e fren 4eva dere 4 mi n neva wld 4sake mi... but when a new fren comes along, i 4sake god, i 4got him as moi best fren. n e cycle repeats itself. even now, im still in e danger of doing such a thing but god neva stopped being moi fren, not even once. he noes mi inside out, he noes e time when i made a fren, he noes e time when i lose e fren n he noes e time when i needed him... he neva 4saked mi, but i 4saked him so mani times... n yet, he's willing 2 take mi back.. anytime...
it's not ez 2 reciprocate such unconditional love but im trying, tok 2 him.. listen 2 him... i noe i wld neva b able 2 do unto him wat he's done 4 mi (n rem how bad we felt when our frens r not reciprocating wat we've done 4 them, it shld hurt our god 2) but he still loves mi, a sinner.. he's wonderful
n so is moi dad, i reali shld learn 2 love him more... look at him in another perspective n not b so narrow-minded, look at his knowledge n mani other things.. even betta if i cld love his flaws.. because he's not stopped loving mi b4, juz bcos im his daughter

主耶和华你已经监察了我

我坐下 我起来 你都晓得

我行路 我躺卧 你都晓得

你也深知我一切所行

我舌头上的话 你没有一句不知道

你在我前后环绕着我 按手在我身上

这样的奇妙 是我不能测透

你的至高 你的尊贵

是我永远不能所及

我可以往哪里去躲避你的灵

我可以往哪里去逃 可躲避你的面

我若展开清晨的翅膀飞到地极

就在那里 你的双手也必引导我

b-dae party

yest, fri nite, we went out 2 celebrate karin's b-dae.. she brot us 2 the pan pacific hotel 4 dinner buffet!! we peeped at e price, it was $42+++ per pax... n dere were 7 of us... can c wat a big bomb tt was... she's rich la but still paiseh 2 make her gif us such a gd treat.
i ate 6 oysters n lotsa salmon sashimi.. haha.. moi fav!! n e more expensive stuff dere, cannot wast $ mah... we ate lotsa prawns 2, it was drunken prawns. yep, a reali sumptous dinner (of cos it muz b, it costs so much).
but i was surprised 2 c how bu shou we were with one another, shou wif one or two but seem not tt shou on e whole. we r frm e same sundae schl class n serve in e same service but we din haf much 2 tok abt.. so it felt wierd 2 b eating such a BIg dinner wif ppl u aint tt shou wif.. but when we cut e cake n gave her e pressie, we had fun la.. haha.. we had more fun than e b-dae gal i tink. she juz kena bullied by us, we made her do stupid things.

went out...

i juz came back frm outside.. tired liao..
moi parents had wanted 2 go out yest nite but i juz kept quiet... noe i shld study.. but it's seldom tt they wld wanna go out.. felt lyk a wet blanket...
so decided 2 go out tis morn 4 breakfast... but when i woke up tis morn, heard them sae wanna go tiong bahru 2 eat, so far.. reali dun feel lyk gg den. i reali shld study, i haf no time le.
tho staying at hm i wun b studyin all e time, feel slpy n bored at times but i feel more secure staying at hm n trying 2 study. still i went out wif them. they went out 2 punggol in e end. even worse sia
yep... so ate, went 2 visit moi aunt at her working place, ntuc... walked arnd... n juz got back. gotta study liao... sigh.. wonder if i can finish

study

wah.. hiong.. laur's checking moi blog everydae... i juz posted it 2dae n she read it liao.
m i supposed 2 b happi tt im ur ou xiang?? lyk got ya li leh... den muz alwaes gif more than i take. haha... guess it's ezier when u gif n dun tink tt u r giving, den u wun ji jiao so much... but we r human, cant reali dun ji jiao. so im still not such a nice person. anw, tink it was juz yest.. not feeling so sian 2dae. hopefuli.. hohoho
thanx 4 sending mi e msg last nite, tho i was aslp le.. hehe..
yep, hm 2dae, not staying in schl 2 study. gonna start rite after i finish writing tis... juz checking moi mails n moi blog so leave a msg lor.
kk, start studying :)